Anger Management For Teens|Kids|Children-Coping With Anger In Children

When your child is angry do not lose your cool. Find out what bothers the child and try to eliminate the cause if it is reasonable. Teach the child that anger is a natural but negative emotion which needs to be managed since it impairs the sense of judgment that may land us in trouble. Teach the children that anger affects a person physically as well as mentally. When a person is angry, the blood pressure rises, face contorts making it ugly, speech becomes incoherent, the body starts to tremble and any decision taken at this stage may not be the right one as the mind also is agitated.

Home is the place where the child grows and the parents should strive to create the right home atmosphere for the child’s physical and emotional development. Arguments or fights between parents in front of children should be avoided at all costs because it creates a sense of insecurity in the minds of children affecting their emotional development. It should be remembered that children consider their parents as role models to emulate. So good parent behavior is important to set an example especially on how to manage anger in the right manner.

It is not enough to show unconditional love toward children but also make the children understand that they are loved. Some of children’s behavior problems arise from the misconception that they are not being loved by their parents. If the children feel that they are not loved or feel unwanted, it is the sure recipe for child rebellion. Most of the parents take their children for granted and feel that providing for food, clothing and shelter is enough to make the child feel their love. Nothing can be further from the truth.

Children value their parent’s closeness to them more than anything else. Parents should try to create the bond of closeness by spending time with the children so that they feel connected. Most of child misbehavior is due the feeling rightly or wrongly that they are unconnected and so they feel that the parents lose the right to question or correct them. Studies show that most of the juvenile delinquents feel unconnected and come from dysfunctional families.

Whatever be the cause, parents should not resort to spanking as this hurts the pride of the child. Parents should not forget the fact that their children are also individuals with matching egos. When the ego is hurt, it affects the emotional well being of the child and consequently the spanking parent loses the respect of the child which lays foundation for further misbehavior. Physical abuse creates more problems than solves and it can not replace the right anger management techniques based on love and affection.

Dealing with Anger in Children and Teens, Part 1: Why Is My Child So Angry?

Have you found yourself asking the question, “Why is my child always so angry at me?” Do you feel like your adolescent surrounds himself with a force field of anger and hostility? In part one of this frank Q&A, James Lehman explains the difference between hostility and anger—and tells you where these emotions often come from.

EP: James, why do some kids seem to be so angry all the time?
Where is the hostility coming from?

JL: I think it’s important to make a distinction between anger and hostility. When you’re angry, you feel as if you’ve been wronged; you want to get back at someone. Anger is about striking back, but hostility is more a sense of defensiveness and waiting for an attack. Hostility is related to antagonism, animosity, and ill will. It’s really closer to the word “hatred” than it is to the word “anger.” What a lot of parents experience as defiance is really hostility.

Think of it this way: hostility is the attitude, anger is the action. So the attitude is, “Don’t mess with me.” Anger is the reaction you get.

Of course, when you’re dealing with kids, especially adolescents, they can move very fluidly from one state to the other. What’s described as the “force field of hostility” means that whenever you talk to your child, even if you’re saying “How was your day?” you get a contemptuous response from him.

As many parents know, it’s very hard to deal with a child who behaves this way. Often, parents take several different routes. One route is to give up. Some start punishing their child for having “an attitude.” Parents certainly feel the contempt, and they overreact to that by doing something that makes them feel powerful: yelling, screaming, and threatening. But none of these methods are really good responses because they’re not effective and they don’t solve the problem. The bottom line is that none of these things will motivate your child to take responsibility for his own hostility.

EP: James, what do you mean by “solving the problem of hostility?”

JL: Ask yourself, “How does my child deal with hostility once he’s experiencing it?” As with all things, you need to get your child to take responsibility for his behavior in order for the work you’re doing with him to have any long–lasting effect.

I believe adolescents who are hostile all the time are like this because of the way they think. They develop a way of thinking that makes them the victim all the time. These distortions in thinking tell them that things aren’t fair, that their parents have placed too many expectations on them, that their teachers are idiots. They believe that nobody understands them but their friends. In some kids, this further develops into a general air of, “I hate you; I’m against you.”

That way of perceiving the world—believing oneself to be a victim in all instances—is called a “thinking error.” Kids who employ them think they’re the victim all the time; it’s not a big leap for them to want to push you away. In their minds, they’re the victim of you; you’re the enemy. The consequences that come their way have nothing to do with the fact that they’re not meeting their responsibilities, or that they’re not able to function autonomously in the ways that kids in their age group are supposed to be able to function. It’s all because you’re the enemy, school is stupid, the teachers are idiots. In fact, you’ll often hear hostile kids say, “The teachers are out to get me” or “That teacher doesn’t like me anyway.”

After they’ve used these thinking errors for awhile, they get into more trouble and they develop an increasing sense of hyper–vigilance. For any kind of criticism or challenge, they will either attack or shut down. These are kids whose parents say, “I can’t even get two words out of my mouth and he’s running up the stairs” or “He’s screaming at me all the time.”

EP: Some parents say, “My child is so hostile that I’m afraid to ask him to do anything because it will provoke an outburst.” What would you say to them?

JL: You have to understand that part of the function of hostility is to keep you on your toes—to keep you pushed away. It’s like a porcupine’s quills: hostility is meant to stop you from getting too close. When you do, it starts to hurt—you get pin–pricked. And hostile kids are like porcupines all the time. You try to talk to them and they strike out at you; you try to work things out with them and they start an argument; you go to have dinner with them and they’re sullen and nasty if you try to make them talk. They’re sullen with their siblings; they want to hide out in their rooms all the time. There’s no pleasant conversation with them. I think parents do become afraid to ask them for things because that can often produce an outburst of anger. The child’s hostility is warning you that the anger is right behind it—the porcupine’s quills are up.

So now your child’s attitude is “Don’t mess with me; don’t mess with me; don’t mess with me. POW! Now you did it.” And then an hour later or the next day, the same pattern occurs. I think what tends to happen with many parents is that they learn to avoid making their kids go “POW.”

EP: James, many parents are afraid that their child will hate them if they set limits or give them consequences. That fear is understandable. How would you advise them?

JL: There’s a word we use a lot in behavioral therapy and psychotherapy and it’s called “ambivalence.” Ambivalence is the concept of love and hate. I think kids are very ambivalent about their parents during their adolescence. They love you but they hate you too. They love you when you’re nice to them; they hate you when you tell them what to do. So as far as kids loving you or hating you throughout their adolescence, I think you’re going to see a lot of ambivalence from your child. I think parents just have to ride that out. On the other hand, can your child be angry at you and love you at the same time? It happens all the time. Many of us get angry at our spouses but we love them. Many of us get angry at our children but we love them. I don’t think anger or even hostility is a necessary indicator of hate, even though hostility feels hateful and anger feels explosive and maybe even threatening. But kids love their parents. Unless there’s some abusive situation or neurological or psychological problem, their instinct is to love their parents. And so if you make your child angry, don’t be afraid he’s not going to love you. That’s the last thing I tell parents to worry about.

I always tell parents, if you do things for your kids to love you, maybe they’ll love you and maybe they won’t; I don’t know. But if you do things and carry yourself in such a way that they respect you, then they’ll want to love you. Kids want to love the people they respect—and they’ll find things to love about you.

In Part 2 of Anger and Hostility, James discusses concrete ways for parents to manage hostile attitudes in kids and teens. He teaches you how to stop negotiating the field of landmines around your child and how to start defusing the anger and hostility now. Stay tuned for part 2 to read more.

Dealing with Anger in Children and Teens, Part 1: Why Is My Child So Angry? reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

James Lehman, MSW was a renowned child behavioral therapist who worked with struggling teens and children for three decades. He created the Total Transformation Program to help people parent more effectively. James' foremost goal was to help kids and to "empower parents."

Dealing with Anger in Children and Teens,
Part 2: Effective Tools to Help You Handle It

It’s hard to get most adolescents to comply, but when you’re dealing with a hostile teen, it can be almost impossible. In part two of this series on anger and hostility in kids, James Lehman discusses concrete ways for you to break through your child’s force field of anger and defuse his hostility. Don’t give up yet—it really is possible to bring peace to your home.

EP: James, you’ve explained where anger and hostility come from in teens and how they use it to get out of meeting their responsibilities, but how do you get your child to comply without starting a fight every time?

JL: I think compliance is a good goal to have when talking about hostile kids and teens. Remember, you’re not looking for friendship, love and affection. It may be there—and I think these kids love their parents—but it really has more to do with getting your child to comply with the rules at home and at school. What are the weapons hostile kids and adolescents use in that fight? I think hostile or defiant kids are willing to use anything: they’ll break things, they’ll call you filthy names, they’ll run away. They have all of those weapons at their disposal, but we as parents do not. There are a few things we do have, though, and one is that we have control over our homes.

I think it’s important for parents to take a stand. You might start by saying, “If you don’t do your homework, you’re going to lose your cell phone until your homework is handed in.” Now, while some kids will answer you with, “All right, sure, I’ll take care of it,” hostile kids will respond by saying, “It’s none of your business. It’s my grade; don’t bother me.” When you go to take their cell phone from them, if they slap your hand or push it away or act out in any way, my advice is that you call the police. In other words, you get the external controls you need, the external support you need to at least be able to control your own home. That’s the first step.

EP: OK, I want to come back to that point later. What if your child is also hostile to his siblings?

JL: If there are other siblings in your home, have a safety plan for them. “If Johnny freaks out, what can you do?” Make the plan the safest, most helpful thing for your children to do. An example might be that they can go to their rooms and play or read a book. In the moment an argument is happening, you can say, “Go to your room and read a book while I deal with Johnny.” That gets your other kids out of the way.

EP: Do you recommend explaining to your hostile child what the new rules are, so to speak?

JL: Definitely. I think you can talk to your child about it directly. You can say, “You’re striking out at me; you’re hateful to me and to the rest of the family. When you’re hostile, this is what’s not going to happen. If you want a ride to school, if you need a ride to practice, if you want to go out, if you want to go do something, if you want permission to go to parties or anything, you’re not going to get it. You need to learn how to make requests, not demands.”

And ask yourself what your child can replace the hostility with if he doesn’t like what’s going on. How can he learn to behave differently? With the kids I worked with, I would suggest that they keep a journal and write down their hostile feelings. They were able to take a timeout and write without a consequence. By the way, if your child requests a timeout, he should never be given consequences. If he says, “I need a break right now” and goes to his room, he should never be punished for that unless he’s trying to manipulate you to get out of a chore. Remember, a timeout is a coping skill. We hope kids learn to take them on their own. During a timeout, what happens is you unwind from over–stimulation until you’re calm and composed enough to see what’s really going on. It gives you a chance to let go of your own thinking errors and distorted thinking.

A lot of kids get really over–stimulated, and I believe that’s where the angry acting out often comes from. When I would work with kids in my office, I would tell them, “Any time you want to take a break, you just let me know and go sit in the other room. That’s fine with me. But understand, when you come back, we still have to deal with this.” I used to say, “If you act out and are angry here, don’t blame me. I gave you an option.” Just giving your child that option also gives them the power to exercise it.

By the way, if your child takes a timeout during homework time, then he has to make that time up later on. So if he’s supposed to be doing an hour of homework at the kitchen table and he takes a timeout for 15 minutes because something bothers him, then he has to make up those 15 minutes later. In the same way, if your child takes a timeout when he’s doing chores, then he has to come back and finish his chores.

JL: I think that if your kid is really hostile, angry and defiant all the time, you may need some professional help to deal with him. If you try taking him to a therapist, give the treatment a certain amount of time. I’d say six or eight weeks is enough time for the therapist to get him to work on his hostility. If you don’t see any changes in that amount of time, I would look for someone else.

I think it’s also important to get help with your parenting skills when you have a hostile or defiant child. The bottom line is that you need to more effectively parent a child with this pattern of relating to others. You’ll see that a hostile kid is hostile to everybody. He’ll be hostile to you, to his teachers, to the cops. You’ve got two choices: your child can go to a counselor for an hour every week in the hopes that he’ll learn some coping skills and apply what he’s learned at home, or you can get the effective parenting skills you need to help create change where it counts. In my practice, I did both. I met with kids and I met with parents. And I would give parents the skills to orchestrate what they needed to do to promote change at home.

By the way, I always counseled parents to give their child a carrot big enough to make them want to change. This might include getting their driver’s permit, or having access to electronics or use of the car. And tell your child, “These are things I’m not going to do if you’re hostile. I’m not going to sign for you to take driver’s ed. I’m not going to let you get your driver’s permit.” If your adolescent is younger, then it can be, “I’m not going to let you go on the class trip. I’m not going to let you go to the junior high dance and football game.” Just remember, the carrot alone is not enough to create changes. You will need to coach your child to use their coping skills.

EP: Let’s say you want to make these changes but in the meantime, whenever your child comes into the room they fill the air with bad attitude. Do you recommend that parents just ignore that and talk to their kids normally?

JL: Yes, I would just keep giving them direction. I wouldn’t ask things like, “What’s wrong?” I wouldn’t inquire into their attitude. I would say, “All right, it’s four o’clock. You need to go to do your homework now, Jessica.”

Kids will walk around with a contemptuous attitude, and it does affect everybody and everything. But in my opinion, you just keep them focused on the task at hand. If they start making negative comments, say “Look, why don’t you go to your room until you’re ready to speak like the rest of us.”

EP: If you have an angry child, is there any way to calm them down during an outburst?

JL: I think the best way to handle their anger is to say what you have to say and then get out of the discussion. I recommend that you say something like: “I’m not going to talk to you till you calm down,” then turn and leave the room. If your adolescent yells at your back or calls you a name as you’re walking out of the room, don’t respond to him. Don’t argue; don’t turn around—don’t do anything. Just keep walking. If you have to get in your car and drive around the block, then do it as long as there are no small children in the house. But the point is to keep walking. Go to your bedroom and stay there for a few minutes.

Again, the idea is that once he’s in that angry, agitated state, he’s thinking that you’re the enemy, that you don’t understand, and he’s blaming you, his teachers, and other authority figures. He sees himself as the victim, and there’s nothing you can do face–to–face that’s going to take that away. People believe what they think, and teenagers believe what they think a lot more than they believe what their parents say. If a teenager thinks something isn’t too risky, it doesn’t matter if their parents say it’s a crazy stunt. Believe me, on a good day adolescents can hardly hear their parents beyond their own thinking errors and the way they view the world. So they believe what they think.

As soon as you extract yourself from the argument, there’s nothing to yell about. Your child may walk around the house shouting for a few more minutes, but the thing is, if you don’t respond to it, eventually he’s going to quiet down—or escalate.

EP: That brings us back to what you started talking about before…what should you do when your child escalates?

JL: I think it’s very important for parents to understand that their child might escalate his behavior. When you refuse to argue, some kids will break something or do something destructive. In my opinion, that’s when you call the police. Get them to help you because if your child is behaving this way, he’s out of control. When you call the police, say, “I don’t feel safe here; my son is out of control.”

Don’t try to talk your child out of his anger; don’t try to reason him down. Reasoning just gives your child a feeling of false power, and more of a sense that he’s in control and you’re not. What he hears you saying is, “You have huge shoulders Johnny; you have such big muscles. You’re so powerful.”

EP: James, in that case, do you think asking your child about his feelings tends to make things worse?

JL: In my experience, the more you ask what’s going on, the more your child will simply state his case; in fact, he’ll scream his case if you let him. The truth is, some kids want to appear out of control whether or not they are. Don’t forget, acting–out people get more control by looking like they’re losing control. And what’s the agenda? To gain control.

If you think you have to accept this type of hostile, defiant or angry attitude in order to be loved, that’s called co–dependency. In a co–dependent relationship, you have to fulfill a certain role in order to be loved. That’s one of its main definitions. An example might be, “You’ll love me as long as I make excuses for your alcoholism.” With a child, it’s “You’ll love me as long as I put up with your garbage.”

Personally, I think parents should try to maintain their dignity and self–respect. Remember, as I said before, kids want to love the people they respect. And they’ll find things to love about you when they do.

Dealing with Anger in Children and Teens, Part 2: Effective Tools to Help You Handle It reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

Passive-Aggressive Child Behavior: Hidden Anger in Kids

Does your child take forever to get up, eat breakfast and do his homework and chores? You nag, threaten and repeat yourself, but he still doesn’t seem to pay attention to anything you say. Here, James Lehman explains the passive-aggressive ways kids control you—and how they use it to avoid responsibility.

Passive resistance is when kids learn to develop power over you by resisting you. In fact, it's the opposite of aggression: instead of threatening or yelling at you, a passive-aggressive child simply doesn’t answer you. He just walks into the house, goes upstairs and doesn't say anything. When you call up to his room, he pretends not to hear you; instead, he makes you come upstairs. Understand that this is one way for a child to have power, and many become experts at this kind of passive-aggressive behavior.

These are kids who generally don't know how to communicate well or solve the problems associated with anger or anxiety. It’s important to understand that while some kids with behavior disorders get angry and act out, these kids get angry and act in. Understand that I’m not talking about passive personalities—I'm talking about passive resistant behavior. These are kids who use resistance as a way to get back at you, and to gain control or power. They’re the kids who say, “I don't want to do what Mom wants me to do, but I won't confront her. I'll just drag my feet until she leaves me alone.” Or he’ll blow you off until he frustrates you—and in his mind, if he annoys you and you start yelling, he wins. After all, you lost control, and he didn't. Now he feels like he's in control: you’re frustrated and you're yelling, “Why aren't you doing your homework? I told you three times!” And he's sitting there on the sofa, satisfied with the knowledge that he got to you. Sometimes he tells you to stop yelling and leaves you feeling frustrated and foolish.

How Does Passive-Aggressive Behavior Develop in Kids?
Passive-aggressive behavior in kids is a big problem in a lot of parents’ lives. For one reason or another, their child develops a way of avoiding feelings or confronting anger. They don’t learn how to talk about conflicts, frustrations, hostility and the things they think are unfair. Sadly, this pattern will often continue to develop in a person’s life through adulthood—and make no mistake, it causes serious problems for them. Think of how destructive passive-aggressive behavior is in adult relationships. When adults can't be assertive and communicate their needs, they often rely on passive resistance—little ways of getting back at their spouse which eventually cause a lot of resentment and anger to build. Instead of building bridges, passive-aggressive behavior tears down communication quietly, closing window after window.

When people are passive-aggressive, realize that they often don't really know it until it's identified. They'll tell you that things don't bother them and they don't care, but then you'll see them fighting their partner or resisting things for no apparent reason. And kids will be the same way. They'll tell you they don't care and that it doesn't matter, but then you’ll see them resisting you over something that's meaningless. They do it by being real slow to get their homework started, not answering when you talk to them, and ignoring your requests to do their chores.

How Do Kids Control you with Passive Resistance?
By resisting you, your child is often training you to give up and leave him alone. He’s training you to believe he can't do it. He’s making you lower your expectations so you'll expect less from him. And the truth is, passive resistance often works for kids.

I think parents really need to be on top of this kind of behavior. There's a concept in the mental health field called “learned helplessness” which is very important for parents to understand. This is where kids learn that if they act helpless, eventually someone else will do the job for them. They learn that if they resist long enough, you'll do the dishes yourself. If they don't answer you when you call them, you'll eventually walk upstairs or take the garbage out. Or if they shut down when you ask them to mow the lawn, you'll still give them $15 when they need it. Bit by bit, your expectations are lowered until you don’t have expectations anymore. But realize that once you do this, you're only setting your child up for failure. Really, childhood and adolescence is the time in your child’s life when he needs to grow and learn. If you let them off the hook with few responsibilities, they simply won’t gain the skills they need to move on to adulthood. Even though they may feel like they’re getting away with something, they’re actually falling into a trap that will be very hard for them to climb out of later.

Why It’s Healthy to Get Angry in Front of Your Kids
I think from the time your kids are young, you need to encourage them to voice anger or hostility appropriately. You can say, “Just like parents get angry sometimes, it’s okay for kids to get angry, too.” In fact, I think it’s healthy to let your child see you angry—and then see you get over it and resolve the conflict. It’s better for kids to learn by what they see and hear, rather than to simply listen to speeches about how they should behave. Remember, the idea is not to never get angry as a parent—the idea is to be a good role model for your child by handling your anger appropriately. So when you get angry, handle it like an adult. In my opinion, if you can't handle your anger and simply hold it in all the time—or on the other hand, if you're explosive—your child may not learn how to handle anger effectively, either.

I know it’s popular these days for people to say that you should never get angry in front of your child. In my opinion, children who grow up in homes where parents handle anger effectively will learn to handle it, too. Think of it this way: if you hide your anger as an adult, how is your child going to learn to handle his anger and frustration?

Should I Talk to My Child When He Drags His Feet?
I believe it’s a good idea to sit down and talk with your child when there’s a behavior issue you want to address with him. It’s important to find out if his anger or anxiety is getting in the way, if he understands the assignment he’s procrastinating on, or if he’s having problems at school.

Certainly we want to rule out things like depression, thyroid problems, or other factors that might be contributing to this behavior. If you think there are physiological causes for your child’s behavior, have him assessed by a trained medical professional as soon as possible.

Understand that most kids will drag their feet if they don’t understand their homework or if it looks too big for them. That may be passive resistance, but it's passive resistance because they’re afraid of something or they’re frustrated. I believe that the parenting roles of “Teacher” and “Coach” are vital in this situation, because you want to help your child learn why this is happening, and then coach him to be more organized.

Compartmentalize the Assignment: When your child thinks an assignment or task is too big, you can help him as a parent by teaching him how to compartmentalize tasks. You can say, “Let's get this much done tonight.” Or “Let's get this much of the project done this week.” A good way to handle this is to ask your child, “How much do you think you can get done tonight? How much do you think you can get done this week?” That way, you're teaching him how to plan. If he comes back with something that's too little, you need to say, “No, I don't think that's enough. I think you're selling yourself short. Why don’t you try to do this much instead?” If he gives you an amount that sounds too big, just say, “That sounds like an awful lot to me. It may not be realistic, Thomas. Let’s see how much you get done in an hour and then reevaluate it.” So you help him learn how to moderate himself and get organized.

Use Hurdle Help: In the Total Transformation, there’s something I call “Hurdle Help.” This is where you get your child started on something that he’s having a hard time with on his own. So for example, if it’s an English assignment, ask him some questions about what he’s writing about. You might give him a sentence to begin the project. I’m not suggesting you do the assignment for him—rather, you get him over the first hurdle and let him take it from there. All kids need a little boost to get started.

Keep Distractions to a Minimum: Keep the bedroom door open and the music off when your child is doing schoolwork. Check in on him intermittently to make sure he’s actually doing the work. Reduce distractions. If you can't check in on him enough, have him do his work downstairs. The idea is that your child should understand that he has to perform whether he’s angry or not. I don't care if his anger is carried out in a resistant way or in an aggressive way—he's still responsible for it.

When Kids Use Passive Resistance to be Non-compliant
When kids use passive-aggressive behavior in order to get away with not following through on their responsibilities, I believe you need to be very firm with them. There are definitely things you can do to improve this kind of behavior, but whatever you do, keep your “good enough” parenting skills in place. You want to have an open mind and be objective. When you’re angry and frustrated by your child’s behavior, remind yourself that he's only your child being annoying—even if he seems like a monster at that moment.

Remember, passive-aggressive behavior is an ineffective coping skill. In order for a child to stop using it, they have to learn an effective coping skill with which to replace it. Coping skills will not be abandoned because they’re ineffective unless a more healthy coping skill is learned to replace it.

Tell Your Child the Consequences of Inaction—and Set Time Limits
Sit down and talk with your child when things are going well. Tell him straight out what you see happening: that he’s not producing enough, striving enough or pushing himself enough. Then tell him what the consequences will be from now on. Inform him that you're going to set time limits on what has to be done, and if he doesn't meet that time limit, then he’s going to lose his phone or computer until it's done.

Certainly it's up to parents to be reasonable about the timeframe. You can even say, “I want the basement cleaned by Monday. And if not, you're losing your phone till it's done.” So you don’t have to give your child tight time frames. I think it’s better to give him choices. But regardless, he needs to be held accountable if he doesn’t get it done within a certain time.

Build in Rewards: You also want to build in rewards for your child for getting things done early. Train your child that there’s a reward for putting in effort and getting the task done early and pushing himself. So just like there's a reward for kids when they don’t act out, there’s a reward for your child when he doesn’t act in. Meeting his timelines would be one of the goals. For example, if he has all his homework done the night before, finishes breakfast without dawdling, gets ready for school and gets to the bus on time in the morning, he gets a reward. You might let him stay up a half an hour later. In this way, you're training and motivating him to do things on time.

Invite Your Passive-Aggressive Child to Talk about His Anger: If you think your child is being passive-aggressive because he gets angry and can’t voice his feelings, invite him to talk about those things. Just say, “If you're angry about something, it's safe to talk to me.” And I think “safe” is an important word here. Say, “It’s okay if you feel angry or afraid, but continuing this behavior won’t solve the problem. Talk to me. I'll try to hear you. But I expect you to do the work whether you're angry or not. Being angry is no excuse.” Parents can also train kids by directly stating what you see happening: “I think you're not loading the dishwasher because you're angry that I wouldn't let you stay out last night late. And I want you to know that I understand that—but it's not a justification. You still have to do the dishes. And if they’re not done by eight o’clock, I'm taking the keyboard out of your room.”

Remember, expectations have to remain clear. Whatever happens, your child has to learn how to perform, how to produce, and how to survive in life—that’s all there is to it. Too much excuse-making has come into our culture, and too many people have been allowed to get away with not keeping up with their responsibilities. You see people at 35 who have had mediocre jobs that they don’t like all their life and they can't get ahead. They have no skills because no one ever made them follow through and do the work. I think that very clearly, the message has to be, “You have to learn to take care of yourself and meet your responsibilities. You're accountable.”

Do we want to be understanding? Yes. Do parents need extra training for kids like this? Often they do. But nonetheless, the responsibility is ultimately on the child to grow up and learn how to live in our society—and on the parents to teach him how to do it.

Passive-Aggressive Child Behavior: Hidden Anger in Kids reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

Child Outbursts: Why Kids Blame, Make Excuses and Fight When You Challenge Their Behavior

Arguing with kids often seems like a losing battle—and it is. No matter what you say, your child has a smart comeback that pushes your buttons or leaves you speechless. And worst of all, when your child is angry, nothing is fair, and it’s never his fault. James Lehman explains how, in any argument, your child might set different “traps” for you to fall into. Once you know what these traps are, you’ll be able to avoid them—and hold your child accountable. Here, James translates what your child is really saying during an argument.

You’ll often see kids blame others and point the finger at someone else when you hold them accountable for their behavior. Very often they see themselves as the victim, no matter how aggressive or abusive their behavior is. Thinking of themselves this way gives them the ability, in their mind, not to take any responsibility—and if you don’t take responsibility, then you won't have to change.

If your child blames others or comes back with excuse after excuse whenever you call him on his behavior, I believe you need to start challenging his thinking. And if he acts out or is destructive in order to get away with inappropriate behavior, know that this is a warning sign: you need to find ways to stop that pattern immediately.

Here’s an example of how a conversation with your child can quickly be derailed by accusations, blame and anger. Let's say the teen below hasn’t done his homework and now he's behind at school. He was in a bad mood when he came home, so he takes it out on his little sister by picking on her and calling her foul names. His mother is concerned and upset, and she attempts to talk to him about what’s going on. Soon, their conversation deteriorates into an ugly argument:

Parent: "Why are you falling behind in school and picking on your sister so much lately?”

Child: “It’s her fault that I call her names—she’s always bugging me and taking my stuff. I’m sick of her crap.”

When you try to hold kids accountable, they will often use excuses to deflect your attempts to make them take responsibility for their actions. And in fact, if the mother in this example asked her child to apologize to his sister, he would say, “I'm sorry, but.” And it would be, “I'm sorry, but you looked at me funny.” Or “I'm sorry, but you laughed.” So whatever he says, he means “I’m sorry, but it was your fault.” And again, what he’s really stating here is, “I'm not responsible for what I say. I’m sorry, but I'm actually the victim here.”

One of the big signs of whether or not your child is ready to change is whether or not he is ready to stop being the victim. If he can stop that victim thinking and start to take some responsibility for himself, I don't care if he’s 8 or 18, he has a better chance of changing than a child who continues to blame the world—and everybody in it.

Child: “The teacher didn't explain the assignment to me. How should I know what she wants me to do? She's an idiot.”

Again, what we see here is victim thinking. In this kid’s mind, it's not his responsibility to get clarification from the teacher. One of the problems with this kind of thinking is that kids believe what they think—in fact, we all do. So if your child thinks it's somebody else's fault or that something isn’t fair, he’ll be able to justify a lot of inappropriate behavior and shirk a lot of responsibility. These are what we call “thinking errors”—and they cause a lot of problems for kids and adults alike.

Understand that in their minds, they believe they’re right. Kids think, “My friends are allowed to stay out until 10 o’clock. Why can't I?” Or “Why can't I watch another hour of TV?” That’s victim thinking: they believe they’re a victim of your stupidity or failure to understand their world. And then the next jump in their thinking process is, “It's not fair.” When somebody thinks something isn’t fair, they are then able to reason, “This isn’t fair, so the rules don't apply to me.” Next, they’re able to justify not following that rule.

Adults do the same thing. Very often, people know something is wrong, but they don’t see it as harmful. So they rationalize that the rules around that issue are unfair and they choose not to follow those rules. How many adults know that it's wrong to speed, but speed anyway? When you ask them about it, they have a lot of reasons, excuses and justifications why the rule isn’t fair and why it shouldn't apply to them. We see this in children all the time. When kids start complaining or blaming teachers, they're basically saying “It's not fair.” And once they believe that, then they don't have to do the homework assignment, clean their room or mow the lawn. And many kids are adept at making something unfair right away—they’re professional victims.

As soon as your child excuses his irresponsibility by saying his teacher is an idiot, you can bet he’s found a way to rationalize not doing the work.

Parent: “Well, why didn’t you just talk to her after school if you didn’t understand?”

Child: “Why don’t you believe me? You're always taking the teacher’s side. It’s not fair. Why are you always picking on me? God, you're such a b----.”

Once again, we see the victim mentality kick in. Kids with behavior problems and a lack of problem-solving skills see any questioning of their actions, no matter how benign, as an attack. They start by saying, “I already explained that it's the teacher's fault, why are you bothering me?” And then they add some power and sting to their words by getting verbally abusive. This is their strategy of “Agree with me, or face my acting out, face my aggression, face my verbal garbage.” So there's the warning—“Agree with me or face my B.S.”—he’s starting to escalate so his parent will back down and leave him alone. The worst part about this strategy is that it often works for kids—and by the time they’re young adults, they’re left with no problem-solving skills in their arsenal except intimidation and aggression.

By the way, I think that you want to avoid letting your child gain control of the conversation by using curse words. If your child does this, make a mental note to deal with it later. That’s better than letting him push your buttons. Stay focused on the issue at hand. In fact, I often tell parents to write down the issue on an index card so they can keep referring to it when they’re tempted to get sidetracked.

If I was talking to this mother in my office, I would coach her not to accept any excuse for abuse. When her son verbally abuses his sister, there should be clear, firm immediate consequences for that. You don’t have to lose your focus to assign those consequences. Wait until the end of the conversation but make sure you address that. Secondly, I’d recommend that she give her child a consequence such as doing homework downstairs instead of in his room. She should tell him that she wants to see his homework every night until his grades go up, according to his midterm report. In other words, she should be setting appropriate limits on him until his grades go up.

If your child starts to escalate in this way and becomes verbally abusive, it’s also easy to become upset and angry and lose your temper. And that’s often just what he wants you to do, because then you’re stuck in a power struggle with him—and when that happens, you’re yelling and threatening, he’s yelling and threatening, and no one is talking about his responsibilities any more.

Parent: “What did you call me? How dare you talk to me that way—I’m your mother! ”

Child: “Why do you hate me so much? No one understands me but my friends. I hate you!”

When the parent in our example finally loses it and responds to her son’s aggression, he makes another personal attack upon her and tries to manipulate her emotionally. In the moment, he may believe what he says, and this is yet another thinking error. His mother doesn’t realize that for him, his solution is to attack—he wants to render her speechless. And if you’ll notice, he’s still not talking about taking any responsibility or solving the problem. They're just going around and around because he continues to play the victim. And since his mother isn’t challenging him on that posture accurately, he's just stepping up his verbal abuse and manipulation.

Escaping a situation is the most primitive thing that humans do when they’re threatened: it’s the so-called “fight or flight” response. When your child reaches a point where he’s out of coping or problem-solving skills, his fight response is to yell at you, break things, or hurt people. If he chooses “flight,” he runs. This response is not good for communication or negotiation skill development, which are two fundamentals of problem solving. His behavior doesn’t resolve the conflict—in fact, both choices just tend to make things worse in the long run.

The antidote to “fight or flight” is developing the communication and negotiation skills that are the basics of problem solving. A child, who doesn't want to communicate, has distorted thinking, constantly makes justifications, and continually takes a victim stance, has run out of coping skills. And when they run out of excuses, they start becoming verbally abusive and threatening. If that doesn't stop, then they run. So for most of this argument, this child has been fighting—and when that doesn’t work, he decides to run.

The bottom line is that now this child’s escalation is getting physical. He went from verbal abuse to physical abuse when he kicked the wall. This is just another sign of his inability to communicate, his inability to solve problems and his world view that he's a victim and “It's not fair.” Again, if things aren't fair, then the rules about cursing at people or breaking things don't apply to him, because it’s not his fault. And that lets him off the hook. These kids have a way of thinking that justifies inappropriate behavior, that justifies violating other people's boundaries and that sees them as a victim of everything. When you try to interfere with or challenge that kind of thinking, these kids will get more upset , threatening or destructive.

But as a parent, you have to challenge your child’s thinking errors and hold him accountable. Even though your child may try to shut down questions about his behavior, remember that you are the parent and you have control. My advice is to avoid getting sucked into a power struggle with your child, even when he leaves in the middle of an argument. Just say, “When you get back, we’re still going to have to deal with this.”

Realize that the thinking errors kids use interfere with their ability to take genuine responsibility for their actions or inactions. They also inhibit a parent’s ability to teach their child how to communicate, negotiate or solve problems responsibly. In fact, thinking errors make communication impossible: they distort reality and allow the person using them to avoid taking responsibility.

As a parent, it’s important to understand the thinking errors kids use so you won’t fall into the traps they set for you during an argument. If you know what your child is doing—and how to challenge him effectively—you can stop the blaming, excuse-making and victim thinking. In an upcoming article in Empowering Parents, I’ll be talking more about the thinking errors kids make—and how to deal with them as a parent.

Child Outbursts: Why Kids Blame, Make Excuses and Fight When You Challenge Their Behavior reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

"Anger with an Angle": Is Your Child Using Anger to Control You?

Have your child’s angry outbursts worn you down so much that you’ve simply learned to give in? You should know that this is not a phase or a behavior that will “just go away on its own.” Read on to discover 5 things you can do to stop your child from using “Anger with an Angle” today.

Anger is a fact of life. Everyone gets angry, including kids—they get frustrated and disappointed just like adults do. The goal for children as they mature is to learn ways to manage their anger or, as I like to say, “Solve the problem of anger.” That’s because anger is a problem—it’s not just a feeling. And like many other problems, kids solve it in different ways. Some learn to solve the problem of anger by developing skills like communication and compromise, while other kids deal with it by becoming more defiant and engaging in power struggles.

As children grow up, most learn to manage their anger. Each time they experience new situations, they begin to draw on the skills they learned previously. Most kids learn that temper tantrums don’t work—that yelling will not help their situation and that hurting someone or breaking something will cause them more trouble in the long run. But other kids go a whole different direction and practice a thing I call “Anger with an Angle.” They learn at a very early age that if they get angry and act out—or threaten to do so—the people around them will give in. In effect, they've learned how to blackmail their parents to give them what they want.

If you were an outsider observing a child who uses “Anger with an Angle” you’d see him look as if he's losing control. But what's really going on is that this child is getting more and more control over his parents. He looks like he's losing control, when in fact, he’s gaining control. And that's the dangerous thing. The fact is, a child’s behavior won't change until he's not able to get power from it anymore. And certainly for a kid, control is power. As long as he gets power from that behavior, he's going to continue to act out.

How “Anger with an Angle” Develops
As an infant, a child’s behavior is certainly not premeditated. But as kids develop, if they see that they get their way by throwing a tantrum or threatening to get angry, they will keep doing it until they’ve trained their parents to give them what they want. And many times, parents don’t recognize what’s happening. It’s a natural progression that leaves families frustrated and overwhelmed by the time their child hits elementary school.

If you’re in this situation with your child, you will soon see his behavior escalate until you give in. That’s when anger and acting out do become premeditated.

When your child is using “Anger with an Angle,” he’ll look like he’s going to take you right to the brink. He’ll act like he’s going to throw a temper tantrum in the store. And then you have a choice: deal with that temper tantrum or buy him a candy bar. Most parents buy the candy bar, which increases the probability this behavior will occur again. I understand why parents give in. They reason, “Well, it's only a candy bar.” And I agree: I’ve got nothing against buying things for kids. But the bottom line is, how does your child go about getting that candy bar or comic book? Does he earn it with good behavior or buy it with his own allowance money? Or does he intimidate and bully you into giving in to him? If he’s doing the latter, you will probably see him act out in restaurants and other public places as well when he doesn't get his way. At home, he will threaten to have a tantrum or lose his temper to get more power over you. This is “Anger with an Angle.” Make no mistake, kids use it to solve their social problems and dictate to their parents.

By the way, you’ll often see a child who uses Anger with an Angle go to school and do the same thing. That’s because this has become his primary way of dealing with problems. You’ll see him play brinkmanship; he’ll continually take all the adults in his life to the edge; it becomes his main coping skill. And when that doesn't work, he’ll just act out. In this way, he keeps the threat of blackmail alive.

In my experience working with families, this problem just keeps getting bigger and more explosive as kids grow up. And by the way, some kids use “Anger with an Angle” by shutting down. For example, your teenage daughter may stop talking to you until you give in to her demands. If you give her what she wants, this ultimately gives her more control. Either way, if you let your child's behavior control the situation instead of following your own parenting values, then you're going to have a serious problem both now and as your child gets older.

How to Stop Giving in to “Anger with an Angle”
If your child has been using “Anger with an Angle” in your family, I think you and your spouse have to come up with a clearly defined plan of how you're going to deal with this behavior. That plan has to include teaching your child other ways to solve the problem of anger besides intimidating you or misbehaving. The plan should also include how you will teach him other ways to solve the problem of not getting his way instead of manipulating you and taking it out on you and other family members.

I think that people have to deal with acting-out behavior in an organized way. You need to take away the power associated with the threat of your child acting out. Know that whether he acts out in the supermarket, your living room or a restaurant, you can learn a way to deal with that. Here are some of the things I recommend you do when your child is employing “Anger with an Angle” in your family.

1. When Your Child Threatens to Act Out, Ask Yourself This Question
As a parent, learn to ask yourself, “What's the worst that can happen if my child acts out?” If you determine that you can live with whatever happens, then you can move on to the next step. So ask yourself, “What's the worst that's going to happen if my child acts out in the supermarket?” Insulate yourself from real risk. If the worst that could happen is your child will run onto the highway, that's too much to risk for that situation. But if the worst that can happen is that he'll lie on the floor and kick his feet, let him go at it. I always recommend that parents bring a magazine or a book with them when they take their child in public. Have a seat and let your child scream away. It may be embarrassing for those few minutes it’s happening, but your indifference will eventually teach your child that his acting-out behavior does not control you any longer.

2. Decide What You’ll Do Ahead of Time: If your child frequently acts out in public or at home, plan what you’ll do before the anger and intimidation start. Will you leave the room, or tell him that he’ll have consequences for his behavior? Decide what you’ll do ahead of time. Try your best to speak clearly and calmly when your child is having a tantrum. Do not get into a power struggle with your child over whatever it is he’s trying to use anger to accomplish.

3. The Aftermath: Talk to Your Child about What Happened: After the incident, briefly discuss what happened with your child so he can learn skills that will help him deal with the situation differently next time. If you don't do this, know that his behavior is not going to become extinct on its own. In most cases, it builds on itself over time. Remember, every time your child acts out over something he wants, a couple of things are happening.

So always ask yourself, “What is my child learning, and what do I need to teach him to do differently?”

4. The Game-changer: After the incident is over, you have to sit down with your child and say, “You got really angry there and I understand why. You wanted a candy bar and I wouldn’t get it for you. But that behavior only got you into trouble. Next time we're in the store and you want something and I tell you ‘no,’ what can you do differently besides throwing a temper tantrum or yelling at me that won’t get you into trouble?”

Your child doesn’t need to learn to understand his feelings; he needs to learn that when he gets angry, he makes choices. From now on, he has to learn how to make more choices that are positive. He also needs to learn ways of behaving that don’t get him into trouble.

5. Should You Give Consequences for Losing Control? The first thing you have to determine is whether your child is actually losing control or if he’s simply giving you cues and signs as a warning to give in to him. If the latter is the case, consequences are very much indicated. Many people will tell you not to give your child a consequence for acting out of control or throwing a tantrum. They reason that if the child loses control he shouldn’t be held responsible for his actions since he’s not actually making choices.

In my opinion, if your child loses control once or twice, you may want to hold off on consequences. But if losing control becomes a pattern--if this is how he deals with things on a regular basis—I think there should definitely be a consequence. His behavior both inconveniences others and might even put your child or others in danger. Let's say you’re supposed to be getting home to your other kids, but your child is acting out at the mall, so you have to call a neighbor to run to your house. Your child’s behavior has now put everyone else at risk. If your child acts out in the car, he puts you and everyone else there in danger. I think there should absolutely be consequences for that behavior. Don’t pussyfoot around and let your child off the hook with “Oh, he lost control.” That's exactly how he’s working you. His angle is, “I lost control—I couldn’t help it.” Many parents get suckered in by that excuse. But I would tell you that if this acting out happens more than once in a while, your child should be held accountable and there should be consequences.

6. What is Your Parenting Style? Let’s go back to the supermarket example. You see your child start to deteriorate—what do you do? When you use the Coaching style of parenting, you’d say something like, “Remember, we talked about this and you told me that the next time you were upset at the store, you would go over and read magazines until you calmed down.” Your child may not do it, but keep coaching him. Eventually, he's going to respond appropriately. Believe me, behaviors for which people are held accountable and receive consequences tend to diminish over time. Conversely, behaviors that are rewarded tend to increase. It's just that simple: if you reward the acting out or the threat of the tantrum, it's never going to go away.

A child who's blackmailing you with temper tantrums over a candy bar in the supermarket today is the same kid who’s going to stay out all night when he doesn’t get his way. And sadly, you won't be able to stop him. The next time he says, “Well, if you let me stay out until midnight, I won't have to stay out all night,” you’ll give in because you’re scared of what might happen if you don’t compromise. But again, I think you have to decide: “What's the worst that could happen if I don’t let my child manipulate me?” Will your child’s behavior escalate when you start to deal with it? Yes, it will. But I think the more guidance and support you have, the better you'll be able to manage.

Believe me, if your child isn’t taught these all-important problem-solving skills when he’s young, he’s at a higher risk of spending his adult life going from medication to medication, or maybe getting into some kind of social/criminal trouble. If he’s lucky, he might come to grips with his self-defeating strategies and his lack of appropriate problem-solving skills through some sort of educational or therapeutic process. This usually occurs after many failures and disappointments. As a parent, I want you to know that you have the power to help him face his problems now.

"Anger with an Angle": Is Your Child Using Anger to Control You? reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

Coping With Anger In Children- Anger Management For Teens|Kids|Children

Dealing with Anger in Children and Teens, Part 1: Why Is My Child So Angry?

Dealing with Anger in Children and Teens, Part 2: Effective Tools to Help You Handle It

Passive-Aggressive Child Behavior: Hidden Anger in Kids

Child Outbursts: Why Kids Blame, Make Excuses and Fight When You Challenge Their Behavior

"Anger with an Angle": Is Your Child Using Anger to Control You?

Dealing with Anger in Children and Teens,
Part 2: Effective Tools to Help You Handle It